Self Belief=change

I have been away for a little while, I trying to enforce what I blog.  However I need to do more due to an incident at work.    So I do need to work on my self esteem or it will destroy me.

INCREASE SELF CONFIDENCE  

It has been bought to my attention in a frank and brutal manner that I am in danger of alienating anyone in my life because of my low self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

How can I expect to change if even I do not believe in myself and focus on problems and excuses?

 

Once we believe in ourselves others can to and we can reveal how human spirit to embrace life.  Fear of failing will hold you back.

 

By working on self-confidence and self-esteem we can pursue our dreams and hopes.

You may still have the fears but you will be better at identifying them and squashing them as if something unpleasant under foot.

The difference being whether you believe you’re worthy of respect from others (self-esteem) and whether you believe in yourself (self-confidence). In the end, both amount to the same thing, below are some top tips to break the mould and be you, it is ok not to fit in, you will.

Taking control of your self-confidence If you are low in self-confidence, is it possible to do things that will change that? Is your self-confidence in your control?

You are worthy of respect despite what you or others may think

Below are some top tips I have pulled together you don’t need to do all of them, as if this were a recipe … pick and choose those that appeal to you, maybe just a couple at first, and give them a try. If they work, try others. If they don’t, try others.

Here they are, in no particular order:

  1. Groom yourself. This seems like such an obvious one, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a shower and a shave can make in your feelings of self-confidence and for your self-image. There have been days when I turned my mood around completely with this one little thing.
  2. Dress nicely. If you dress nicely, you’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world. Now, dressing nicely means something different for everyone … it doesn’t matter what it is it is what makes you feel good.
  3. Photoshop your self-image. Our self-image means so much to us, more than we often realize. We have a mental picture of ourselves, and it determines how confident we are in ourselves. But this picture isn’t fixed and immutable. You can change it. Use your mental Photo shopping skills, and work on your self-image. If it’s not a very good one, change it. Figure out why you see yourself that way, and find a way to fix it.
  4. Think positive. One of the things I learned when I started running, about two years ago, what how to replace negative thoughts (see next item) with positive ones. How I can actually change my thoughts, and by doing so make great things happened.
  5. Kill negative thoughts. Goes hand-in-hand with the above item, but it’s so important that I made it a separate item. You have to learn to be aware of your self-talk, the thoughts you have about yourself and what you’re doing. When I was running, sometimes my mind would start to say, “This is too hard. I want to stop and go watch TV.” Well, I soon learned to recognize this negative self-talk, and soon I learned a trick that changed everything in my life: I would imagine that a negative thought was a balloon full of air, and I would vigilantly be on the lookout for these air puffs. When I caught one, I would pop it, let it go.. Then replace it with a flying bird or something. (“C’mon, I can do this! Only one mile left!”)
  6. Get to know yourself. When going into battle, the wisest general learns to know his enemy very, very well. You can’t defeat the enemy without knowing him. And when you’re trying to overcome a negative self-image and replace it with self-confidence, your enemy is yourself. Get to know yourself well. Start listening to your thoughts. Start writing a journal about yourself, and about the thoughts you have about yourself, and analysing why you have such negative thoughts. And then think about the good things about yourself, the things you can do well, the things you like. Start thinking about your limitations, and whether they’re real limitations or just ones you’ve allowed to be placed there, artificially. Dig deep within yourself, and you’ll come out (eventually) with even greater self-confidence.
  7. Act positive. More than just thinking positive, you have to put it into action. Action, actually, is the key to developing self-confidence. It’s one thing to learn to think positive, but when you start acting on it, you change yourself, one action at a time. You are what you do, and so if you change what you do, you change what you are. Act in a positive way, take action instead of telling yourself you can’t, be positive. Talk to people in a positive way, put energy into your actions. You’ll soon start to notice a difference.
  8. Be kind and generous. Oh, so corny. If this is too corny for you, move on. But for the rest of you, know that being kind to others, and generous with yourself and your time and what you have, is a tremendous way to improve your self-image. It does wonders for your self-confidence, believe me.
  9. Get prepared. It’s hard to be confident in yourself if you don’t think you’ll do well at something. Beat that feeling by preparing yourself as much as possible, think your life is one long exam, if you haven’t studied, you won’t have much confidence in your abilities to do well on the exam. But if you studied you’re prepared, and you’ll be much more confident.
  10. Know your principles and live them. What are the principles upon which your life is built? If you don’t know, you will have trouble, because your life will feel directionless. haven’t given them much thought. Now think about whether you actually live these principles, or if you just believe in them but don’t act on them.
  11. Speak slowly. Such a simple thing, but it can have a big difference in how others perceive you. A person in authority, with authority, speaks slowly. It shows confidence. A person who feels that he isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn’t want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to. Even if you don’t feel the confidence of someone who speaks slowly, try doing it a few times. It will make you feel more confident. Of course, don’t take it to an extreme, but just don’t sound rushed either.
  12. Stand tall. I have horrible posture, so it will sound hypocritical for me to give this advice, but I know it works because I try it often. When I remind myself to stand tall and straight, I feel better about myself. I imagine that a rope is pulling the top of my head toward the sky, and the rest of my body straightens accordingly. As an aside, people who stand tall and confident are more attractive. That’s a good thing any day, in my book.
  13. Increase competence. How do you feel more competent? By becoming more competent. And how do you do that? By studying and practicing. Just do small bits at a time. If you want to be a more competent writer, for example, don’t try to tackle the entire profession of writing all at once. Just begin to write more. Journal, blog, write short stories, do some freelance writing. The more you write, the better you’ll be. Set aside 30 minutes a day to write (for example), and the practice will increase your competence.
  14. Set a small goal and achieve it. People often make the mistake of shooting for the moon, and then when they fail, they get discouraged. Instead, shoot for something much more achievable. Set a goal you know you can achieve, and then achieve it. You’ll feel good about that. Now set another small goal and achieve that. The more you achieve the better you feel
  15. Change a small habit. Not a big one, like quitting smoking. Just a small one, like writing things down. Or waking up 10 minutes earlier. Or drinking a glass of water when you wake up. Something small that you know you can do. Do it for a month. When you’ve accomplished it, you’ll feel great
  16. Focus on solutions. If you are a complainer, or focus on problems, change your focus now. Focusing on solutions instead of problems is one of the best things you can do for your confidence and your career. “I’m fat and lazy!” So how can you solve that? “But I can’t motivate myself!” So how can you solve that? “But I have no energy!” So what’s the solution?
  17. Smile. Another trite one. But it works. I feel instantly better when I smile, and it helps me to be kinder to others as well. A little tiny thing that can have a chain reaction. Not a bad investment of your time and energy.
  18. Volunteer. Related to the “be kind and generous” item above, but more specific. It’s the holiday season right now … can you find the time to volunteer for a good cause, to spread some holiday cheer, to make the lives of others better? It’ll be some of the best time you’ve ever spent, and an amazing side benefit is that you’ll feel better about yourself, instantly.
  19. Be grateful. Be grateful for what you have in life, for what others have given you, is a very humbling activity … it can also be a very positive and rewarding activity that will improve your self-image.
  20. Exercise. Exercise ( in reason) has been one of my most empowering activities in the last couple years, and it has made me feel so much better about myself.
  21. Empower yourself with knowledge. Empowering yourself, in general, is one of the best strategies for building self-confidence. You can do that in many ways, but one of the surest ways to empower yourself is through knowledge. This is along the same vein as building competence and getting prepared … by becoming more knowledgeable, you’ll be more confident … and you become more knowledgeable by doing research and studying. The Internet is a great tool, of course, but so are the people around you, people who have done what you want, books, magazines, and educational institutions.
  22. Do something you’ve been procrastinating on. What’s on your to-do list that’s been sitting there? Do it first thing in the morning, and get it out of the way. You’ll feel great about yourself.
  23. Get active. Doing something is almost always better than not doing anything. Of course, doing something could lead to mistakes … but mistakes are a part of life
  24. Work on small things. Trying to take on a huge project or task can be overwhelming and daunting and intimidating for anyone, even the best of us. Instead, learn to break off small chunks and work in bursts. Small little achievements make you feel good.
  25. Clear your desk. This might seem like a small, simple thing (then again, for some of you it might not be so small). But it has always worked wonders for me. It calms the soul

 

Good Luck: follow the Walt Disney – curiosity, confidence, courage and constancy, when you believe in a thing believe in it all the way unquestionably

Have a dream, you got to have a dream.

DO NOT BE A VICTIM

DON’T BE A VICTIM

You do not have to be a Victim.

You have learned to believe in limitations so due to a theory called ‘Orr’s Law’, we limit ourselves as the thinker thinks and the prover proves.  We think ourselves into a situation, for example ‘I have learnt to hate myself, and I let others prove my theory.’

People who are happy and thriving have woken up that we make our own choices in life and do not let others deter their choices.

We need to remember we are all human and humans are resilient and bounce back from any circumstance and when we do we are more resourceful!

So do not be a victim but be a ‘Rubber Ball’ the way we look at the world determines what we see, even a tiny change in the way we look at life can change everything.

Victims constrained by mental illness, unhappiness, eating disorders etc. are walking in a trance. They have blinkers on looking only for proof of their habit and thoughts. Satisfied people are OBSERVERS.  Observe what is around you and what is being offered to you.   STOP JUDGING.

MAP YOUR DESTINY

Before you can be cured you have to identify the problem.

So what is the problem?

You have to be honest with yourself>>> snapshot of how it is now, how it was in the past and what you predict it will be in the future if you continue on this path.

There are 6 key areas to consider when doing your past future and present considerations.

Health, relationships, career, finances, happiness, sense of meaning.

Rate on a scale of 1-10 (10 is happiest) each of these areas in each of the different time periods.   (Google circle of life)

There is no right or wrong answer to this, but I can see if I continue on the path I am on my circle will become even smaller and even more miserable. It should enable you to focus and gain perspective on the ‘What if’

Before we can change the problem, we have to have a clear picture where we are now.  Health is more that the absence of illness.

What you have to remember is that anyone can be happy.   So let us help ourselves:

HAVENING:

Many of us have extreme emotional responses’ to circumstances, I do anyway.

Many circumstance have heightened our learned response, e.g. Puberty, lack of confidence, lack of education, low self esteem, high stress, poor living, ill health, over sensitive, high empathy and trauma.

 

We can break our emotional reactions and learned responses with the havening technique.

HAVEN TECHNIQUE:  you must FOCUS

  • Focus on the block or the bad emotion.
  • Close your eyes.
  • Rhythmically cross your arms and rub up and down ( do not stop)
  • Count OUT LOUD to 20 whilst thinking of walking in the sand.
  • Open your eyes and with your eyes move them right and left, 10 times.
  • Close your eyes and now count OUT LOUD to 20 whilst thinking of walking on grass.
  • Open your eyes and with your eyes move them right and left, 10 times.
  • Close your eyes and now COUNT OUT LOUD to 20 whilst thinking of walking down an elegant flight of stairs.
  • Open your eyes and with your eyes move them right and left, 10 times.

Breathe deeply and stop rubbing. You should feel calmer and more relaxed.  If you do not, try again and focus.BE YOU BEST SELF   Do you really want FREEDOM from whatever it is? This misery?Most people live obsessing about the past and worrying about the future.   TO be happy is simple you need to think about the NOW, the present.   THE here and NOW! You can survive.Consider you inner deeper potential, Change is all about ATTITUDE OF MIND.   Find a ROLE MODEL you admire (for good not to prove the negative thoughts you are having) e.g. Paul McKenna, my Nan, various yoga people, Florence nightingale Mother Teresa etc. are some of mine

  • ROLE MODEL STEP IN:
  • Find out as much as you can about these people, read books, look them up, etc.
  • Close your eyes and visualise the person.
  • Focus on what you want to learn about the person, e.g. kindness and empathy, resilience, love from Shakespeare etc.
  • Float into their body and see the world as they would, pretend to be them how do they stand, move, etc. move like them, etc.
  • Cultivate the qualities and notice any insights as you imagine life for them.
  • What should you being doing more off, less off, start doing and stop doing to be like them,
  • Act on this insight as soon as you can.  Give the thought a colour and reimagine you are them and visualise on this colour, let it increase and increase and build and become so vibrant it radiates from you.

Lucky people always seem to meet the perfect match.  It is not luck but self-belief to think and behave in a way that is genuine to them.  Positive people know their own mind.   LUCK is an energy so why not use it?

  1. Unlucky? LUCK
  2. YOU ARE CAPABLE OF MORE THAN YOU THINK>
  • Remember a time or a series of events when everything was going your way.
  • Focus on it and imagine the detail and clarity how did you feel?
  • Focus on it again and make the colours bolder and that feeling more increase it
  • Repeat and repeat until it is over 150%You should be smiling by the end. What are your core Values?  TO be Happy and change your destiny you have to try and experience them every day.   E.g. Love, kindness, health, friendship, fulfilment….  These are mine.Think of 5 and put them in priority order.TO be happy you have to create your perfect day not as a list of activities but where you use your values.   Not a series of outcomes.  Imagine it, what is in each time period of the dayWhatever matters most must not be at the mercy of least.  If you live your values you can be happy.LIVE YOUR PERFECT DAY … think of each of the values as you have your perfect day and touch the finger to the thumb, as you experience each value increase the pressure.   To remind yourself. Give yourself this pinch to keep you focused.

So to CHANGE:

What is stopping you from seizing your destiny?  Rewrite your story.

We look at the world though the stories we tell ourselves.   What are the things you are telling yourself? Change your story and believe it with all your heart.

Imagine you are old and stuck in a chair looking back… (I imagine I am my Nan 94 who I love dearly) what would you honestly like to say to yourself? Remember your Values.   A bit of THOUGHT NOW can save a lifetime of regret.

LIFE PERSPECTIVE:

clear the past with HAVEN

SUPERCHARGE the PRESENT, LUCK FEELING, PERFECT DAY, VALUES

  • Create a future for yourself.
  • Gain PERSPECTIVE

FOCUS AND FOLLOW a PLAN.  Open up your CIRCLE OF LIFE

  1. EMBRACE STRENGTH

Do new things to energise yourself. Remember your values, and prioritise yourself.   QUIETEN the negative voice.

THE QUEST FOR HAPPINESS AND CHANGE

THE FACTS OF THE WEEKEND (43kg BMI 14.88)

  • Bored and alone.
  • Ate too much.
  • Upset my parents remain as stubborn as me.
  • Depressed my sister has no respect for me and keeps me at a distance.
  • My dad has not spoken or made contact with me since 19th July.
  • Disappointed my mum does not want to go on holiday.
  • I want to go on holiday but not alone, and annoyed that I am not considered in any of their plans.

So let us create some HAPPY then we can CHANGE>

THOUGHT FIELD THERAPY:

This exercise when PRACTISED has been proven to change the way we think but we need to PRACTICE like all things, to change the habits we have created.

On a scale 1-10 assess how the negative emotion is to you.  

  • Tap by little finger x10
  • Tap above eyebrow x10
  • Tap back of hand x50
  • Tap collar bone x10
  • Tap back of other hand by ring finger x10
  • Continue to think on the unhappy thought.
  • Keep tapping and close eyes and open them
  • Look up with your eyes and down x10
  • Rotate your eyes clockwise and anticlockwise
  • Hum happy birthday
  • Count out loud 1-5
  • Hum happy birthday.

All the while you should focus on the negative thought, and let it go. At the end assess again on a scale of 1-10 how you feel. If it is a lot less >>GOOD. If it is not changed then repeat until it does.

Remember to LOVE yourself.

USE YOUR IMAGINATION

When experiencing a negative thought/emotion use your imagination for the better. Imagine someone you know who is a HAPPY PERSON. Pretend that you are them, or think back to a happy memory and smile at the thought. The Key is to PRACTICE this. Think about your posture. Etc.

Most important smileJ. The more you smile it has been proven the happier you are. “Stop worrying” happy people do not worry. Step into that HAPPY PERSON Persona and pretends that it is you.

POLARITY RESPONDER?

Are you NEGATIVE? Are you a polarity responder always responding to the opposite?   E.g. when someone says what a nice day… you respond No it is not (a basic example). Have the thought if need be but break the habit don’t say it but try and look at WHAT IS BEING OFFERED TO YOU.

MAKE ROOM FOR CHANGE.

When you are NOT in emotional turmoil you can make bigger changes.

  • Sit in a quiet and undisturbed place. Close your eyes and assess how your body is feeling.
  • Focus on your breathing.
  • Think about how your body is feeling and where it feels good.
  • Focus on your breathing at the solar plexus.

CHANGE

(IMPORTANT)

Happy people have HABITS

Miserable People have HABITS.

We need to learn happy habits.   CREATE A HAPPY HABIT

  • SMILE/ LAUGH 20 mins a day ( even if it is fake laugh.. this should be about 40 smiles and 20 laughs)
  • 20 min of exercise a day, walking etc. Does not have to be “hardcore”
  • Place a coloured dot in every room and whenever you see a coloured dot say something happy like… I love my nana. Force yourself to have a positive thought.

To CHANGE you have to do it! You have to do it right NOW! Even if you cannot laugh FAKE IT.

Remember

  • Each time you have a negative thought- smile and reinforce with a positive thought.   E.g. I do not want to go to work but smile and say but I love shopping/Bob.
  • Posture counts for everything.

I need HAPPINESS

HAPPINESS?

So since turning down the teaching job back in hometown in Kent, as I was so unable to thing but could only dwell on the ‘what if’ I decided I would monitor for two months how things panned out. My parents promised once again that they would call, invite me round etc. Work I am dreading this new job a lot and do not want to go, I think I am only doing it out of boredom and wanting respect from my sister. So I am still in my old job as receptionist.

WORK: Yesterday was extremely stressful but over the month LT has not spoken to me, she shut down my computer when I had gone to the toilet so I could have lost work. She has ignored me and been rude. She only speaks in brief answers if I speak to her.   Yesterday I got a tirade of how horrible I was, faces pulled at me mimicking me, told she would be glad when I was gone, and lots more this is fact no emotion. She then sat and faked cried so that I would react to that, she then told me she could not ever speak to me. I did ask if she could explain how I had made her life hell and she retorted with more face pulling and mimicking of me. I got told I was selfish, self absorbed and horrible, I then asked if when wanted to talk in an office if she wanted to discuss the problem she has with me as I did not feel comfortable with the whole open plan office and she rolled her eyes at me, telling me I knew what I had done, I push all her buttons and she will be glad when I have gone. She said I was rude.

So all in all I made it through the day, lost any confidence I have developed over the couple of weeks. This appeared to placate her and make her happy. I AM NOT SURE THIS BEHAVIOUR IS RIGHT?

PAIN: I returned to work early form my fracture and pain is high, I went back and said I was not sure and was sobbing my heart out. I know it is my own fault but anyone with compassion would not have had me there. Nethertheless I have made some careless mistakes which are now coming back. However to cope I am running, LT has spies and she has found out I am trying to run also.

LIFE: I have not heard from my Dad at all, he has not taken time to text, email or call or pop round. I text him a couple of times in which in time he has responded briefly.

I have not heard from mum unless I have texted her.

I sent my sister a present, I have sent a voucher to her husband as we planned to do a tour, I bought the vouchers and even though I kept saying when… no time has been given and so it is about to go out of date. I sent a text if she got her present it took a week to reply and she said please do not post through work, which is understandable but she keeps me at a distance.

However I have no friends at all and maybe that tells me all I need to know? I am worthless?

I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES AND IT CAN ALL BE ME?

I can tell you I am unhappy…. so I am trying to change this….or give up. (Least on positive not cut) I am in Scotland where my ‘family’ are who were supposed to care, still not liking Scotland, and 4 years wasted no change.

So HAPPINESS.

I am doing hypnosis once a day of twenty minutes to see if this helps. This in itself is a challenge as after day three wanted to give up but I have to do it according to instructions for at least two weeks.

To be happy you have to BE YOU OWN IDOL

Are you portraying your genuine self? Or trying to be something you are not. How would you be seen by others? What are you letting the world see who you are?   Try and be positive for a week regardless of what happens in life.

STEPS FOR A POSITIVE WEEK:

  • Eat mindfully
  • Sing your own song ( even if it’s different from old world be proud of you)
  • Write love letters to yourself
  • Show off your talent
  • Push for success, and balance ( do not sell yourself short)
  • Meditate on positive things.
  • Keep a Journal ( three things that you are grateful for that day, anything significant that happened, anything that lifted your mood does not have to be much)
  • Have a bath if you can ( use Epsom salts to cleanse)

I will try as I am bored of how ugly I am, bored of life, bored of no change, bored at my family.   It makes me sad.

I have read,

    • Happiness is natural, we all have it and should all feel it.  When on a path that is correct happiness will always guide you.
  • DON’T BE SCARED, EMBRACE AND PRACTICE IT!!

Give time to finding you natural path and listen to the instincts.

INSTANT PICK ME UP:

When in doubt, or sneaky voices pop in that are unhelpful, anything that will take you from your goal. When all is bleak.

  • The POWER OF POSTURE: imagine that tread pulling you up from the tops of your head and be tall, be tall for at least one minute.  You can do this seated or standing.
  • The POWER OF SIGHT: ( this actually makes me laugh)   look up with your eyes 30 seconds, then move the eyes side to side for 20 times, then up and down for twenty and then in figures of 8 for 20. DO NOT LOOK DOWN. Repeat if necessary.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE? WHAT DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO SEE?

Be the best genuine self you can. Most importantly the key is to…

“STOP WORRYING” NO WHAT IF’S BUT WHAT NOW!!!

CAUTION:

Research, Wisdom and motivation

I ask everyone’s advise and research loads, this is probably my downfall as I do not listen to myself, I try and do the ‘right’ thing what I think others want.

WISDOM and MOTIVATION will only get you so far… if you are doing something that doesn’t feel good no matter how much wisdom and motivation you will not be happy (but you should not use this in a negative eating disorder way.. here we need to look at the long term medical implications that is WISE and being MINDFUL.. we will be uncomfortable if we are to change this habit)

For example… promotion is making you unhappy as it is not the role you thought it would be.

When you know what you want then Wisdom and Motivation will come in handy.

Remember it is about ME (you) stop making others happy but think WHO I AM and WHO I WANT TO BE.

Remember

“Small steps in the right direction are better than leap in the wrong direction “

It is not easy…..BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND BE YOUR OWN CHEERLEADER.

BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so bored today at work, nothing to do from 8:00 until 4.30pm, but here I am.  BORED.

The reason for this blog is the SAME OLD CIRCLE, repeating it time over and over again.   …..  why do we do it to ourselves?will we ever learn???

I worry, and can not make a decision anymore, I think, because I do not believe in myself and yet I ask my family for their approval.  My family who do not talk to me, text me, visit me ( who live less than ten minutes away) the people who I moved to Scotland for.   I fall in the same trap asking their opinion and not following my instinct.  Then being left in same situation.

I nearly had the chance to return back to my home town, back to a teaching job, I just couldn’t do it….. maybe it is sabotage, maybe it is lack of confidence, maybe I am a freak, may be it is my eating disorder..

My brother-in-law stated “it is my own silly fault” as I currently have a stress fracture because of my osteoporosis probably.  YET I SEEK HIS APPROVAL WHY….???

ANYWAY BORED SO BORED at work, BORED OF THIS LIFE…  MISERABLE AT BEING LONELY AND FRIENDLESS tried to be productive so ….enjoy.

http://www.decision-making-confidence.com/

Recovery?

RECOVERY?

It is not good to write negative and bad stuff. I am “a recovering anorexic”. I am also very, very tired.

I have been anorexic or had anorexic tendencies since I was a child, gradually hitting all time low at the start of my prime, 30.

I am 36, without friends, childless, unwanted, and divorced from best friend who had an affair. I now seem to walk with a limp and in pain. I have multiple fractures from severe osteoporosis, perished teeth from vinegar drinking and fruit eating. I get infections, wounds do not heal. My emotions are extreme not sure I can love. My help with anorexia has been extremely minimal.

I have tried self-teaching myself DBT. (See later). I have tried Yoga, I learn something new. I have done everything in my power (?) to beat this disease. I believe the biggest thing to let go off is the fear and the security anorexia can give you.

I do not know why I have this illness that no one believes or understands.

But I do know that I am better then I was at my worst weight wise. But I do not feel happier and I am reaping the consequences of denial and lack of confidence now.

This is not a sympathy story, it is a dialogue of thoughts of a developing child, in hope it can help in some way people to understand. It worries me though to write this in case someone else embraces the idea to grasp on ideas for themselves for Eating disorders. It is not glamourous, it is a disease. It is a death sentence

My day as a recovering anorexia: (7 years from my worst weight level)

4.45 after two hours sleep (not sure why) I got up ignoring the thoughts to stay in bed, wished I were dead. I cleaned my teeth and did some stretches consisting also of weights, sit ups and press ups. My arms are not strong enough to do the press ups or the weights properly.

5.15 Pulled on my waterproof trousers over my pyjamas, put on my running jacket. Limped down the stairs, took some pain relief.

5.18 went to my mini trampette, pressed go on the timer, which is pre-set for 15.06 enough time to get back to the trampette without the 15min starting. Jogged and jumped for the set time not able to do so properly or vigorously as I would like due to pain in my foot.

5.33 put on my trainers, plugged in headphones, and off for my 5 km ‘jog’. The jog is painful, I can barely lift my legs off the floor due to restriction of intense pain on each placement of foot, and also my legs are thin? (36 cm circumference at thigh).

5.45 need to go for a S**T urgently or do it in my knickers again. Make it to a semi safe location and had a diarrhoetic, foul smelling stool next to the one I had to leave yesterday. Hobbled away whilst doing my bottoms up. And continued on my ‘jog’, barely at walking pace.

6.20 up the stairs, do 4 sun salutations and 2 moon stretches and 4 handstands against the wall. Got clothes of the side (which were prepared night before) and have a quick shower using a nail brush to scrub all over. Dress, take two laxatives, wipe bathroom down, minimal makeup, count out 8 more laxatives for the rest of the day and hobble downstairs.

6.40 towel day so put towels on, took ironed clothes off the airer ready to go away, make a pint of squash, and a coffee, white with watered down skimmed milk. Took cod liver oil tablet. Antibiotic for cellulitis (Looking after my pains now lol) and soy in hope it will bring my period on and also give me the boobs I wanted and have never ever had.

6.45 Start my cross trainer to do for 45 min. Very slow progress and not achieving target calorie burn so stay on extra 3 minutes. All whilst in pain. Text parents in hope they will respond

7.30 Set clock on phone and do step ups for 2 minutes, and 6 sun salutations, 20 sit-ups and 10 press ups.   Wish I were dead

7.35 Not at work due to inability to walk and cellulitis in foot. So go back on trampette (to get it over with normally I do it at the end of the day after work) jog and jump for 15.06 minutes pulling faces to keep facial muscles tone.

7.50 cut my fingernails and did some hamstring stretches. Foot hurts. Put the washing away. Take towels out of the machine, hang on the line. Decide to clean windows, so write it down in my diary and clean the windows inside and bottom floor outside.   Hoover the house. Make another cup of coffee.

8.30 hope get breakfast invitation from someone in my family ( 0 since 2010 so far even after lengthy discussions), take 2 laxatives, go on cross trainer for 35 minutes which is 40 minutes now as I am off pace, and also not reached target calories.

9.15 still hopeful, check phone, wipe down kitchen. Take some more painkillers. Do some handstands. Look at the time and weather.   Shut eyes thinking today is the day, yoghurt, bran flakes and fruit.   See model on TV and she looks lovely in outfit, know that if I wore that outfit my arms would look too skinny in comparison but I am fat. (15 cm circumference?). go upstairs look at the weather, weight self, back down the stairs.

9.30 2 laxatives and feel fed up, do some sit-ups and stretches and say out loud I miss you PC. Then I sobbed uncontrollably and out loud. Foot really hurts, decide if I rub ibuprofen gel into it, I could do more. Rub loads of gel into foot and leg, Wish I were dead

9.40 pick self-up, have one raisin and one peanut to cheer self-up. Decide to go for 20 minute walk to local shop in pretence to get cucumber that I do not need. Hobble and limp the whole way there. Entry to the shops passes the bakery. Picked up pizza the size of pitta bread, saw pain au chocolate, and tour a corner of it and ate it, customer in another aisle, do not know if she saw me or meant me but said “some people are disgusting”. Went and got cucumber. Hobbled home and in head thought how disgusting and pitiful I was. Wished I were dead

10.15 cut the pizza into 10 pieces, trying not to eat, didn’t manage and ate a 5 pence piece corner and put it in the freezer. Put cucumber in the fridge next to the other cucumber.

10.30 had another s**t, took two more laxatives. Got in the car, on the purpose that needed to get a birthday card for someone’s birthday in two weeks, opened a can of Pepsi max and drove less than 5 minutes 5minutes. Parked at the longest driveable walk away. Walked 20 minutes to town, craving yoghurt and banana. Go to the card shop. Go to buy some yoghurt banana from the pound shop, then decide to walk through MandS to see if they have a sample available. They didn’t today. I then pull self together and think I am going to buy yoghurt banana, walk to pound shop again painfully. Decide if I ate properly I would not want yoghurt coated banana, walk back again, and then up the road to my car. Check phone, wish I were dead.

11.15 arrive back, check time, hope get invitation to lunch ( 0 since 2010) decide to have my hot chocolate, 1 teaspoon worth out of the recommended 4 of the diet chocolate. Accidentally eat two grapes mindless. Think it is going to rain so bought in some of the towels. Checked phone, no messages

11.30 go on the cross trainer for 30 minutes. Take 2 laxatives, check phone.

12.00 still hopeful, sew Velcro on the bottom of running trousers so that they do not flap and to kill time.

12.15 decide to have treat as tired and lie on the sofa, as at least I can then wait and see if they invite me, I imagine what I would have, tuna in baguette, sausage sandwich with lettuce, or ravioli etc. if I am ‘resting’ then I do not have to eat anything. Took last two laxatives, wish I were dead

13.00 decide to move, double check phone. No messages. Wished I were dead

13.05 go to the toilet and do a handstand. Decide ‘I can do this’ and get some lunch. I have ¾ of sausage (vegetarian) left out of the one I started last night and ate half of the ¼. I think about being good and making a healthy sausage sandwich. Took sausage out of the fridge and bit it in half, tasted good and chewed it and then spat it out.

13.06 put the kettle on, check phone, and make coffee. Take cous cous out of fridge looks good, throw it in the recycle bin. Chop two strawberries, ¼ of an apple, 5 raisins, 6 small squares of melon and pinch of spinach. Add salt and vinegar and heat quickly to take the chill off.

13.15 check phone. Wash up few bits check phone, they are not going to invite me. Lonely and wished I were dead

13.25 take coffee into the lounge, add a tiny pinch of bran flakes and pinch of muesli as treat, 8g approx. to the fruit

13.25 need toilet urgently so rush upstairs to the toilet.

13:30 check phone, no messages, switch on computer and decided to type this prologue. Just sat down and had to rush painfully to the toilet. Ate my lunch and type at same time, have another hot drink of green tea, I think I have had too much calcium so this time no milk.

14.35 Here I am.

14.45 Save typing, hope parents text soon. Wash up dishes and switch to off.

14.50 Unsure what to do now, check phone, wander aimlessly around house, mindlessly opened cupboard and ate 5 pieces of homemade popcorn. Ate two grapes. Did 50 star jumps and some sit-ups, lay on floor stretched hamstrings.   Massaged ankle.

15:00 check phone, no messages, think and did ‘evening’ stretches consisting of headstands, yoga, setups, and press ups.   Took more pain killers. More star jumps routine of 50, cannot open legs anymore only one opens. .

15.25 check phone, notice sun is out and so decide to sit outside as tired and in pain. Take book with me and pint of squash. Walk to garden in pain

15.30 stared at bees rubbing ankle due to pain in back now and in the foot.   Next door say hello I say hello back. I then silently cry.

15.40 decide to dig a hole and see if dying tomato plant will do better in the ground.

15.45 had to sit in chair as in pain, foot, bum, back and foot was hurting, cannot sit on floor anymore as it really hurts my back, poor clumped posture, getting a hunchback… Read.

16.35 check phone, surprised, check phone again, toyed with taking laxative, needed a wee urgently wet myself a bit and went to the toilet. (Poor bladder control now)

16.40 go on cross trainer for 33 minutes whilst watching TV.   Check phone no messages will give them till 5.30.

17.15 took socks of and rubbed oil in my dry and cracked skin on legs and feet. Took socks upstairs, picked up chocolate laxative and thought about taking it, chocolate treat. Took it. Put socks in the laundry basket. Heart does a palpitation thing, I smile. Feel dizzy ( probably low blood pressure and anaemia)

17.25 go to toilet again, sore stomach. It feels full. Wait a little bit longer just in case. Go to have chocolate button touch them then tell myself to be proud so put the way and I bite bit of apple instead.

17.40 No message drove to shop that does whoopsie (reduced vegetables etc. that are about to expire) don’t really need anything. Peeled some labels of the whoopsies, picked up various other things and stuck the whoopsies on them.

17.55 hobble aimlessly around shop, go to buy popcorn but no salt, cannot find assistant, see packet of chocolate tear it open and eat one chunk, go down the medicine aisle and acquire more laxatives.

18.05 check phone, no messages come home. Unpack the shopping, check phone see that they have text me boring message in response and ignoring all that was said before. , which I interpret sarcastically. Get annoyed at them for telling me to come here to Scotland as they would help and they are unable to change.

18.30 check time too early to eat. Hobble to toilet forgot to flush went back to flush.

18.35 too early for tea, toy with having a week spritzer or shandy. Decide not to in case that is whom I cannot sleep. Take more pain killers choke, and nearly throw up reminds me of when I tried to kill self and took 120 paracetamol and drank half a litre of anti-freeze last year, didn’t work.   Think I am a failure. Wish I were dead

18.40 switch on laptop and update this.   Keep going until nanny phones.

19:04 nanny phones, usual brief conversation, how are you? , have you eaten, then nanny telling me how terrible the weather is back home when on forecast it is in 20’s

19.07 vow that I will be different. Wash and tidy up, feed my cat in a decent manner, prawns I bought and some cat food, bit one prawn spat it into the recycling. . Wasting time. Cook one piece of pizza, Munch on celery as prepare dinner. Make an elaborate salad with beansprouts, one stick celery, mouldy spinach, slice of pepper, 5 cm long cucumber, ½ onion, 3 mushrooms, and garlic, mix it with 1 calorie spray of oil coat in salt and vinegar and add chilies, as this burns calories apparently. Do the dishes. Crush ¼ or cracker on top so like crunchy onions. Rush to toilet. Dish up, take pizza out of oven (piece of the one I cut up earlier) out, bit it, it is yummy and throw rest away and spit out the bit in my mouth into recycle.

19.40 go and weigh self, wasted enough time, back down the stairs, back up to toilet just in case, take tray into lounge, and eat and check emails.

20.00 take tray out, put laptop away and prepare the seating area, and iPad. Take ice pole out the freezer, wash last of dishes, lock up, sweep floor, go to the toilet, thank angels it is nearly bed time, pray I will die in my sleep. Check phone no messages. Make decaf coffee. Whilst it is boiling do two handstands, fifty star jumps and two sun salutations.

20.10 sit with ice pole and coffee and play on iPad finishing emails and internet, no messages from people. Take more pain killers and antibiotic. Check phone, no messages.

20.30 made it do 20.30 can have my hot chocolate and my bowl of cereal which holds less then 30g of cereal, eat it dry.

21:00 go to the toilet, clean teeth, and put cream on hands. Do some final stretches, and sit-ups and press ups and shoulder stands (good for mental health?). Wish I were dead. Write down the good things I thought I did today. Struggled to write, thanked for my run and my cat.

21:15 read book for little while get bored by 21.30 and fed up so decided I will try and go to sleep. Hold tummy as it is full and making strange noises (not hunger). Foot hurts. Pray to the angels that my heart will stop beating and I won’t wake up.

21.40 heart does a palpitation, cheers me up, need toilet, go to toilet. Fall asleep after a while.

23.45 need toilet and nightmares shit self a little bit as foot is sore and couldn’t go quick enough. And so it begins again.

01:00 up for s**t and wee. Hobble back to bed.

03.30 up for wee and s**t. Had cramps on toilet with mucus only after had to sit a while which made me wide away.

04.00 really need a wee again, poor bladder control.

04.45 ………..

I may have missed out a few phone checks, death thoughts, the amount of pain etc. but you get the idea.

Typing this has helped me see that it is slightly odd observing from the 3rd person.

Today I had my fruit, bran flakes and yoghurt.

Thank you for reading.

( ps if any ideas on how to get published or printed please let me know)

SURVIVAL AND ACCEPTANCE

SURVIVAL AND ACCEPTANCE

The list of guilt and worries is endless, I do not know what to do constantly running deeper into trouble, I now have job interview in Kent, so I could leave and return maybe to similar old life, my mum is flaky and gives mixed messages so the is why I get hurt, my sister is very ‘HER’ and I cannot have an opinion around her.

“I MATTER SO WHO AM I HURTING”

I am hurting me my extreme reactions may stop the emotion but if we look at the bigger picture, the isolation and exercise, and eating disorder and self-harm has gotten me by but to what extent?

I need to stay FOCUSED AND COMMIT TO THE GOAL. Or give up. I am tired, work are tired, and everyone is tired of this.

EMOTIONS can be very, very painful but sadly or happily there is no eraser for bad ones.   We need to stop our impulsive behaviour that make things worse, over eating, binge drinking, self-harming etc.

 

DISTRESS TOLERANCE SKILLS will help us to cope but will not take away the emotion.  However we CAN SURVIVE.

STRATEGIES:

These are all activities or ideas that we can engage to distract and change things for the better, these are just ideas to help you can have your own. (Especially as some are reliant on friends and family of which I have 0)

In a crisis we need to

  • Get physically or mentally active to preoccupy our thoughts
  • Reach out to other people
  • Remind yourself that things could be worse
  • Use opposite emotions
  • Use “setting side” thoughts
  • Energize your thinking
  • Seek powerful sensations
  • Soothe yourself.

GET ACTIVE:

  • Work out with weights, Yoga, sex
  • Build something, draw a picture, play a game
  • Meet someone, go get a coffee, go to a museum, clean home
  • Make a to do list, plan your future, write a mission statement, read, watch a movie
  • Organise clothes and washing, write letters search the internet for help on emotions, practice a language

GIVE OF YOURSELF

  • Do volunteer work. Donate to charity
  • Pay for a bill for friend, bake something nice, send anonymous flowers, treat someone
  • Say prayers for people

REMEMBER IT COULD BE WORSE

  • Be grateful it is not worse, compare yourself with someone with less money
  • Compare self with someone who is coping the same or worse then you
  • Watch bad soap opera
  • Read stories on people who have lost everything.
  • Think about the homeless.
  • Be thankful

CREATE OPPOSITE EMOTIONS

  • Do something uplifting, listen to inspiring music
  • Read something funny.
  • Watch something funny.
  • Inspirational literature

SETTING ASIDE THOUGHTS

  • Give yourself a break from the troubles
  • Think about pleasant times, think about your future
  • Lock it away in a box for another day

ENERGISE YOUR THINKING

  • Distract the short term memory by counting, watching to, doing a puzzle
  • Studying
  • Use the internet to build a resource file

SEEK POWERFUL SENSATIONS

  • Instead of negative reactions suck a SHARP or SOUR thing e.g. lemon
  • Suck on an ice pole, drink bitter coffee,
    • Suck on peppermint
  • Have very hot or cold shower or bath.
  • Smell something pungent

SELF SOOTHE

  • Don’t rely on others to self soothe
  • Use your vision look and find things you like
  • Use your hearing for things you like, or white noise, conversation
  • Use your smell, fav smells, baking, cook soup,
  • Touch, put on comfy clothes, shower, massage, bare foot
  • Taste, hot warm toast, slowly eat fav thing, warm milk,

Self-soothing is hard to do, let go of the excuses there is always a way to do something good and nice.

You could create an emergency self soothe bag that contains things guaranteed to make you feel happy. E.g. fav hand lotion, worry stone, picture, goal, few chocs etc.

Also look at your home, when panicked what do you do? Remove temptation of blades and laxatives etc.

Remember the better your prepare e.g. have ice in the freezer, book to read the more able you will do something as you are well resourced.

Keep on trying!